So....I sold my double stroller yesterday.
I sold it to a really nice young woman who was so excited to take if off my hands she drove all the way from the quad cities. She pulled up in a mini van and hopped out with her big ol pregnant belly. I said, "are you having twins?" (she looked great so I'm sure she probably hated that but she was buying a double stroller) she said oh no, and out hopped the cutest little blonde almost-two year old toddler boy. My heart just ached. It seemed like that was me....only instead of two years ago it seems like two lifetimes ago.
I don't know why I kept my stroller so long. It was just one of my favorite things that I was so excited to buy for my boys. I felt like this piece of equipment was so essential to being a mother of two young children. It would hold my most precious cargo. It would tell the whole world--look at me! Look at my two beautiful sons! We are out and about and enjoying the world!! Nothing can stop us!
...and that is exactly how I felt. I loved loading up both boys in the stroller and going for a walk or taking them to the park or to fun places. Everywhere we went people would smile and say how cute the boys were or be like, "wow, your hands are full!". I was like...they sure are. I couldn't have been happier.
The nice lady who bought the stroller wondered why I was selling it in such great condition and I couldn't bear to tell her. I just told her we didn't need it anymore. I hate telling strangers that I lost a baby. How do you drop a bomb on someone that you've had the absolutely worst thing in the world happen to you? And then, okay...have a great day, you walk away while they look at you like you are a ghost. So this was just easier.
I am very happy we could let someone have it who will use it with two of her own babies. But I still cried all the way home. It was just one more piece of letting go. I know Trace doesn't live in things or places or times but I can't help that those things remind me of him.
They are great memories and I have to remember that even though it seems like a time that is far away and another lifetime ago that those are my good memories and I did have them and we got to have Trace.
We still miss him every day and pray for him in heaven every night.
Oh, mama! I know that had to be so hard to do, to let go of that stroller that held so much meaning. My heart aches for you that you don't have Trace here with you.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about just not telling people about your baby dying. I almost can never have a meaningful conversation with a very pregnant woman. I just can't pretend like I don't have a story to share...that will terrify her and make her look at me like I'm a freak. Sigh.
Lots of love to you!
This is a beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's strange you kept it so long at all. I don't know that I would ever have been able to give it up, even though as you said our children don't "live" there, ya know? It's just hard.
:( Those pictures of Michael and Trace are just beautiful. I love the last photo of the three of you.
Rose, this post makes my heart ache for you and for Scott and Michael, I can not imagine the pain you still hold in your heart every day for your beautiful baby. The pictures of Michael and his baby brother are precious, I am so glad that you have them and that you share them with us. Please know that Trace is still in my prayers to. -LH
ReplyDeleteVirtual hugs to you. I can't even imagine how you must feel, but I think it is beyond amazing that you are sharing your story with others. Most blog readers don't comment, and even fewer reach out in emails to the author, so it's easy to forget people are reading... but you are touching many more people than you realize by sharing your story here.
ReplyDeleteVirtual hugs to you. I can't even imagine how you must feel, but your story is so, so important and deserves to be shared. Most blog readers don't comment or email, so it's easy to forget they're "out there"...but you are touching so many more lives than you could know by sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me sad for you Miss Rose.
ReplyDeleteI saw your craigslist ad and cried...I read this and cried...my heart continues to break for you and your family. I hope you know how strong and how brave you are Rose.
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful thought that you got to have Trace! I think of you often, and hope that you're having a wonderful week!
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