Wednesday, July 18, 2012

You Are Here

When things get too busy around here (like they have been for the past few weeks), I usually notice an increase in the intensity of my grief. I think it probably stems from the sense of losing control over daily tasks which then leads to feeling out of control in my life, which of course is triggered by losing your baby which is something I absolutely had no control over. Often times I feel like it is started by getting behind on laundry or over scheduling and really....these are parts of every day life and I should probably start to get used to it by now. 

We went to a grief seminar this past weekend and it was really informative. One thing he said is that you will never stop is a lifetime activity. As your life changes, your grief changes and your relationship with the lost one changes as you change. He also talked about periods of sustained grieving intensity in a calendar year and also about grief bursts, which can pop up out of the blue. I actually am not an expert on this because basically my life feels like one big grief burst but one thing has been weighing on my heart for a couple of weeks and that is the silly photo that I took up above.

It has been so beautiful here and I love the way the flowers and grass grows around our pond. I wanted to get Michael out there for a quick portrait but as reviewed the pictures all I could think about was how last year at the same time I had some similar pictures.

It is weighing on me so hard. I hate, hate, hate that when I see something beautiful like flowers and sunshine it just makes me sad. I hate making new memories because I feel like Trace should be here with us. I hate feeling like because it has been nine months I should be doing better but it still hurts just as bad. 

I have been looking through Trace's photo book and I love this poem that I typed up in it. I couldn't find it again, anywhere I looked, so I apologize for no author or source.

You are Here

Though you are gone
It is plain to see
You are still here
For all the world to see.

You are here 
in each bird I see
Each wind that blows
Thru the top of a tree.

The buds that make 
Flowers and leaves each spring
Reflect the beauty
Your memories bring.

Each raindrop that falls
To water the earth
Reminds those left behind
Just how much those memories are worth.

Each snowflake and blade of grass
Are reminders of your loving ways
The tricking of the creeks and streams
Makes us remember you throughout the days

Now matter how little hope we see
Your memory will always help us know
How much you meant to everyone
Who was there to see you grow.

But for the knowledge 
That you are here in so many ways
Living without you
would be but wasted days.

So rest in peace
For this I know
We will meet again one day
When it is my time to go.

It is such a good reminder to me that even though Trace isn't here for me to hold and snuggle, he is still here and he is all around me. I can see him in the flowers, the sunshine, and Michael's spirit....even if it hurts.


  1. Oh dear- I think of you often- I am so sorry for your loss.

  2. My heart aches for you just as much today as it did 9 months ago, Rose. In lieu of my own inadequate words, I am praying and believing this promise for you, dear Rose, "God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." ~Matthew 5:4 May you find great strength in Him and His creation every day! *hugs*

  3. And by the way, I LOVE the photos of you and Michael! It is really nice to see your beautiful face on here, too! :) Miss you!

  4. I am so sorry for your hurt and pain Rose. I can only imagine the pain that you and your family go through and my mother's heart aches for you. I admire your courage to go to the grieve seminar and to do what you can to deal with your situation. I'm sure it is true that you will grieve your darling boy until the day that you see him again in heaven, I hope that in time though that it becomes a little easier to cope with such a tremendous loss. Still thinking about you and your family daily.

  5. I know just what you mean about feeling overwhelmed and even more severe grieving when you're overworked/overwhelmed. I've been feeling that a lot recently with our big move and all... I find there are some stressors that just cripple me at this point, whereas before we lost Jack, I would have shrugged and moved on. I know it's the grief, it wraps all around you and brings you down to the point where you feel as though you can't escape.

    Your boys though? Both so gorgeous.. :)

  6. It takes my breath away to read that poem. Beautiful pictures Rose.


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