You Are Here

When things get too busy around here (like they have been for the past few weeks), I usually notice an increase in the intensity of my grief. I think it probably stems from the sense of losing control over daily tasks which then leads to feeling out of control in my life, which of course is triggered by losing your baby which is something I absolutely had no control over. Often times I feel like it is started by getting behind on laundry or over scheduling and really....these are parts of every day life and I should probably start to get used to it by now. 

We went to a grief seminar this past weekend and it was really informative. One thing he said is that you will never stop grieving....it is a lifetime activity. As your life changes, your grief changes and your relationship with the lost one changes as you change. He also talked about periods of sustained grieving intensity in a calendar year and also about grief bursts, which can pop up out of the blue. I actually am not an expert on this because basically my life feels like one big grief burst but one thing has been weighing on my heart for a couple of weeks and that is the silly photo that I took up above.

It has been so beautiful here and I love the way the flowers and grass grows around our pond. I wanted to get Michael out there for a quick portrait but as reviewed the pictures all I could think about was how last year at the same time I had some similar pictures.

It is weighing on me so hard. I hate, hate, hate that when I see something beautiful like flowers and sunshine it just makes me sad. I hate making new memories because I feel like Trace should be here with us. I hate feeling like because it has been nine months I should be doing better but it still hurts just as bad. 

 
I have been looking through Trace's photo book and I love this poem that I typed up in it. I couldn't find it again, anywhere I looked, so I apologize for no author or source.

You are Here

Though you are gone

It is plain to see

You are still here

For all the world to see.

You are here 

in each bird I see

Each wind that blows

Thru the top of a tree.

The buds that make 

Flowers and leaves each spring

Reflect the beauty

Your memories bring.

Each raindrop that falls

To water the earth

Reminds those left behind

Just how much those memories are worth.

Each snowflake and blade of grass

Are reminders of your loving ways

The tricking of the creeks and streams

Makes us remember you throughout the days

Now matter how little hope we see

Your memory will always help us know

How much you meant to everyone

Who was there to see you grow.

But for the knowledge 

That you are here in so many ways

Living without you

would be but wasted days.

So rest in peace

For this I know

We will meet again one day

When it is my time to go.

It is such a good reminder to me that even though Trace isn't here for me to hold and snuggle, he is still here and he is all around me. I can see him in the flowers, the sunshine, and Michael's spirit....even if it hurts.