Saturday, October 11, 2014

Three Years

Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of Trace becoming an angel in heaven. I hate that having an anniversary of your baby's death is even a thing but I think it is important to honor it all the same. 

It is hard to mark the date with numbers because time has a totally different meaning when dealing with grief. Three years seems like a blink of an eye and also like an eternity. I feel like a first time mom all over again with the girls because I literally feel like it was another lifetime ago when Trace was here. When your world is rocked to the core things just feel different and it leaves a pretty big tick on the timeline of your life. Things feel different and they affect your family differently. 

Our family has also changed in a big way in just the last month with the girls' arrival and I can't help but think that Trace should be here too. Two boys and two girls...what a lucky mom and family that would be. In my heart I know he will always be a part of our family but I just wish he was here with us to be big brother, too. 

This quote has stuck with me since watching the Call the Midwife series over the summer. It perfectly said what I had been feeling the whole time I have been dealing with Trace's death. I hated it when people would say things like they would kill themselves if something ever happened to their kids because that seems so ridiculous to me. Deep in my heart I knew I just had to keep on trucking with my life...that is what I would want my loved ones to do if something happened to me. There are days when maybe I don't feel better but overall, I do feel alive again and that is nothing to feel guilty about. 

Throughout this pregnancy I have had a friend and a college classmate lose twin babies. I felt so terrible because I know exactly what they are going through and how it changes you. I was also surprised at how much it affected me deep down in my gut, making my stomach ache. It gave me some perspective on how people must have felt when Trace died. The day of his funeral was the worst day of my life but it was amazing and humbling to see the support of so many loved ones. I also am so appreciative of the support not only on that day but the continued support that comes with knowing that grief is a process that never really ends. 

We miss Trace every day and think of him often, especially now that his sisters are here. We can't wait to be reunited with him again one day in heaven. 

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