Friday, May 10, 2013

That time of year again....

It's that time of year again. Spring has finally arrived here and there is new life springing up all over the place. The flowers, the green grass, and the trees are all such lovely reminders of the hope that God has for us.

It is also that time of year again when no matter how beautiful things are outside, I start to feel a heavy, dark feeling inside of me. It started happening a few weeks ago when I just felt exhausted and spent. I could barely wake up in the morning and was beat by the time I got home from school. Even trying to convince myself to do the simplest thing was like trying to talk myself into running a marathon. My heart feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. I thought maybe I was just tired from the busy school year I've had but I know the real is because Trace's birthday is almost here. 

His birthday is a week from today. It is hard for me because all these feelings I have in the spring time like the warm weather and the excitement of wrapping up of school just remind me so much of right before he was born.  I felt so good right before he was born, trekking all over the place with Michael (like the zoo at 38 weeks pregnant!) and putting the final touches on my yard the day before we went in to the hospital. After my final concert at school was over, I was so excited because I would get to take the last week of school off to stay home the rest of the summer with my new little baby. And it was so much fun.

And so I think that is what is the hardest, being reminded of those happy moments. I feel like in my life every moment that is happy is also a little bit sad but those moments that are sad are also a little bit happy because we have those memories to keep us going. It is like I can only be both sad and happy- they are complicated emotions.

Every little flower I see reminds of sweet Trace's face and also reminds me that God hasn't given up on me. I know he is taking care of my baby and even though he took him away from me, I think he still has good plans for my life. My prayer for you is that you can see the same hopes in the simplest of things like the little spring flowers...even the ones that are weeds. :o)


  1. Beautiful post.

    I think the way you worded this, about your happy always having a tinge of sadness and your sadness always a tinge of happy... It's so true. Your spring is what Christmas feels like to me- the desire for happiness at sucha delightful time of the year, but foreboding because I know what comes next. :/

    Very complicated emotions indeed.

    Thinking of you momma. xox

  2. Been thinking of you. Praying you through the next few weeks! Much love!

  3. I've been thinking of you a lot Rose as Trace's birthday and Mother's Day approaches. I continue to lift you and your family up in prayer. Your yard is beautiful, I am glad that it holds special memories for you, even if they also make you somewhat sad. Both Trace and Michael are so lucky to have such a wonderful and loving mommy. :)

  4. Love, love, LOVE that first photo. You popped into my brain yesterday, even without reading the blog. Hope you enjoyed your mothers day. :)


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