Remembering Trace

This Friday I was at school when I wrote down the date- wow, I thought...a week already has gone by since Trace's birthday. It seems like a year and a half ago, or even just a year ago, that week would have felt like ages. I was shocked at myself how quickly the days had gone by and how effortlessly they just floated off the calendar page.

I do feel like I am still grieving but yet healing at the same time. Things like the days going by fast and not dreading each new day are signs to me that things maybe are feeling better. I definitely think going back to work at school has been very good for me- I am very blessed to have a job that I love and great students. Michael has great care while I am gone and I feel like I am making a difference in the world.

There are still hard days, of course. I felt it most strongly after we got back from Disney. I felt great while were on the vacation- even feeling really happy-the soaring, fierce type of happiness...something I hadn't felt like a long time. I even felt triumphant like, "look at me- we lost our son but we are still having a great time as a family at Disney World!"  But once we got home I felt like the world's most terrible mother. How could I even go on a super fun vacation without my son, Trace? I felt so, so so guilty that he couldn't be there with us. That he will never go with us. 

And that is the cycle of grief, I guess. It is never one thing at a time...it is very much a circle that keeps going around. Some days are good, and some days are bad...but I am definitely feeling there are more good days in there than bad. 

We've had so many sweet gifts for Trace's birthday/ mother's day. I love these little reminders that we can have in our home to remind us of him.  

The blue flowers are ones we picked up for his headstone at the cemetery so it would look nice for Memorial Day. Michael and I went out there yesterday and it was so beautiful with all the flags and every space had flowers on it. It was also very busy with lots of people out visiting. It made me really happy and I am thankful for the service of everyone who has served our country. 

Happy Monday and have a great Memorial Day!