Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I have been meaning to post more about the grief train I am on but sometimes it is just hard to get it all out of my head.
This time of year is so hard for me because I feel like I should be doing things like this:
And this:
Right before Trace died we went to Center Grove Orchard and had the absolute best day as a family. It was so fun. I hate it because we have never gone back...and I don't think we will for a while. Michael goes with his daycare and that is fine with me. Sometimes remembering the happy times is hard because it doesn't seem fair that they are just a memory now.
What also just breaks my heart is to see how little Michael really was when Trace was here. They were only 20 months apart and Michael had just turned 2 when he died. He was really only a baby too. It is also because I feel like the more time that passes the shorter the time seems that we had Trace. It used to seem like he was here forever- we couldn't even remember a time when we didn't have him and now I feel like those four (almost five) months are like a blink of an eye. One short little tick on the timeline of my life even though it is written on my heart forever.
This is also a hard time of year because things are so extra busy with my new job. I don't really have any free time to myself where I can just decompress or process through things on my own (or take a nap) and that makes it hard. It is also hard because when I am feeling overwhelmed it seems like everything is "too much" and I get cranky and shut down. I also hate how sometimes the grief sneaks up on you....last week it was the day before the 10th and I was feeling great. Then all of a sudden it felt like I had 80 things going on at once- a group lesson in my office, trying to eat my lunch, a coworker just stopping by to visit, and then an upset parent called. I lost it on the phone- yup, started crying when dealing with a parent. It was not even related to anything except I felt so overwhelmed and knew that the anniversary of Trace's death was looming around the corner.
Losing someone is so hard. It is hard to navigate a new world even though I have been trying to do it for two years.
I also wanted to thank everyone for the thoughts, prayers, comments, emails and texts last week. It meant so much to me. It really, really touched me to know so many people were thinking of my sweet baby. :o) I wanted to share a few things people passed on to me...
From my friend John:
Sometimes
© Colleen Ranney
Sometimes I catch a glimpse,
In softened waves of blue
My child, my heart …when I see a smile
I can’t help but think of you
Sometimes these waves fill oceans.
And feelings string on every shore
A collection of each memory
And every way I wish for more
Sometimes I watch for answers
Because each day I call to you
I ask for faith and courage
And strength …to help me through
Sometimes I ask for bravery
Like dolphins in the deep
Because time moves oh so slowly
And some times the road is steep
Sometimes I want to scream
This was not what I had planned
Why you ever suffered
A mom can’t understand
Sometimes I hear your laughter
And remember you at play
But My Child I always miss you
Not sometimes, but everyday
From my mom's facebook:
<3 It's hard to imagine life continues on without our beloved babies. It makes me ugly jealous to see some people with such joy in their hearts, with no concept of loss... And then there are those of us who have known profound loss and sadness and the depths of grief.
ReplyDeleteThinking about, and remembering Trace. xox
Thank you Rose for sharing some of your feelings. I have often wondered what you are feeling and what it is like to walk the journey you find yourself on, but I think people have a hard time asking those questions, not because they don't care, but because they don't want to make you sad or uncomfortable. I know you are always thinking of Trace whether anyone is asking questions and making you talk about it, but it is still hard to bring it up sometimes. Those of us who haven't been through this can probably only start to imagine what it is like to loose a child, but there are so many people who care and who are always thinking of you.
ReplyDelete