Thursday, October 10, 2013

Two Years

Today is the two year anniversary of Trace's death. 

Two years.

I can hardly believe it. Two years seems like a long time when I see it all typed out but in my heart those two years seem like the blink of an eye. A lot has happened in those two years and looking back I can see how the blessings have been rained down on our family. We've been blessed with stability, support from friends and family, employment opportunities, and we have our beautiful, always happy and cheery son Michael.

It always touches my heart when people comment that they are praying for me or send me an email and tell me I am in their prayers. Because there are days I need it. And they do help. I feel like the last two years have been a very dark time in my life even though I try to still function on the surface. I try not to pity myself and say, "why me?" or feel sorry for myself but when I see people that still get to keep their babies on earth I can't help but feel sad. It makes no sense to me why mine got taken away. 

I know in these times you are supposed to lean on God the hardest. but there have been many times I have felt angry and spiteful. Like, if this is the life you want me to lead, okay I will lead it. And not trying to seek him out or sing his praises or share him with others. Or I felt like since he put me in this dark place, well then I was very well going to stay in this dark place. We just started a new bible study at church and I was really dragging my feet to get going. I just did not want to go. Well I went and the message hit me so hard. The one thing that stood out to me is that maybe when we are in a dark time in a place in our lives and we feel like we can't see God is maybe not because he isn't there....its just because he is holding us so tightly in the palm of his hand. This really rang true to me and I felt like maybe I was starting to see the light a little bit more and come out of the darkness.

I know that Trace dying is not my fault, but I still bear the burden of it. I feel like because I was his mother it was my job to keep him safe all the time. I feel like I have let my husband down and my son down because now our family is incomplete. I hate that our family will never be complete here on earth. 

I have always wanted a large family and I think the reality is setting in that we would be lucky if we were blessed with having just one more baby. It makes me so sad because Trace is supposed to be here too. No matter what we will always be missing him. Can we still have a happy family even without him here? 

So friends...that is where I am at after two years. This is a very hard day for me and very much harder than his birthday. It is not a happy day or one where I am thankful he was given to us like us. It is a day where I think, "why?" and relive the day he left us. 


  1. When you said you wanted to do pictures on Friday, I wondered just a bit if the 11th was too close to the 10th. But I think in my heart of hearts, that there are many days that are "too close to the 10th." Sending good vibes and prayers to you.

  2. Thinking of you and your family. It seems like just yesterday was the one year mark from when he passed away. :(

    I struggle with the, "why her and not me" when I see women with their kids, particularly when the kids are roughly the same age as my son should be. :/

    At the same time, I understand what you mean about wanting a large family and not feeling like it's within your reach. I'm pregnant with our third (probably another girl) and this may be the end of the road for us, too. It's scary to think about going for a fourth. It's scary thinking about risking it all again... And yet it's scary to let it go.

    All this to say I understand what you're saying, you are not alone, and Trace is remembered. xox

  3. Oh Rose, my heart just breaks for you. Every time I sit down to write to you about Trace I type and then delete what I typed about a hundred times because there just aren't words that will make your pain go away or that seem adequate for what you are going through. It doesn't make any sense to me why Trace was taken from you either, and it is so hard to try to make sense of something that just doesn't make sense. But just know that there are so many people holding you up in prayer today, and who have taken time out of their busy lives to remember your sweet boy today.


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