Happy Halloween- goodbye sunny days!

Happy Halloween! I meant to grab a photo of Michael with his costume on last night so I could post it today on the actual holiday, but by the time we got organized it was totally dark outside. 

Then I was uploading my personal photos and I came across these sun flare practice photos I took. I just took them for fun and to experiment but I really love them for some reason. I think it is because it still looks warm out and my plants all still look good (which they don't anymore after the hard frost we had). I guess it is just a bittersweet reminder that summer is gone and winter is well on its way in...and I am in complete denial of it. 

 

Life Lately

Hi friends, life has been going a mile a minute lately. I've been busy doing some family sessions for friends and it is so fun but I feel like my computer time is being eaten up doing editing rather than blogging. 

Our daycare was off two weeks ago so Michael went to my parents for the week. He had such a fun time and I don't think missed us at all. I am happy my parents were able to take him and create some great memories with him. He is at such a precious age and it is fleeting. I went to get him on the weekend and it was good for me to be home for a little bit too. 

We've also discovered Legos- not just Duplos but the real thing, itty bitty legos thanks to some birthday gifts. And Michael loves them, absolutely loves them. I think it is something about all the little pieces. I am not really sure I am ready to be getting in to all this and keeping all the pieces together-eek! I do know that I loved playing with Legos with my brother when I was growing up and that was before they had the cool girl sets that they do now. I dug around the bin at my parents house and gosh, that brought back memories! I am hoping they are a big part of Michael's childhood as well and I can think of some genius way to keep them all organized (yeah right!). 

We went over to our friends house (thanks, Kylie!) yesterday for chili after the football game and I got to see my buddy Luke. He is just the sweetest. Why do babies have to grow up so fast? It's just not fair! It seems like yesterday Michael was a squishy, drooly, happy 6 month old!

(Michael was just the happiest baby and so much fun to be around-pretty much just like he is today! So funny how things change and yet stay the same)

Happy Monday! Have a great week!

Pumpkin Picking

A few weekends ago (when the weather was still nice!) we made our way to our favorite pumpkin patch (Frey's Farm in Madrid) and picked out some pumpkins. We like Frey's because it is just up the road from our house and there are no frills- just get your pumpkins and go. It is nice because it is small but still fall-ish and beautiful. We usually end up loading up on pumpkins because I love my front steps to be totally fall-ified! 

(is this a total baywatch pose or what?)

(like my pumpkin bokeh?)

Michael and Scott had lots of fun scoping out the best pumpkins to pick. Michael liked to look for the ones that look like they could be a house for a mouse because that happens in one of the fall books we are reading. 

I love this little farm and hope they keep growing pumpkins forever! 

Instafriday

Happy Friday!

Trace's tree out back was in bloom this week and it was so pretty. A nice orange color that I love. Some year I want to take a photo of it for every season. 

Last Saturday Michael and I headed to the library and then to a park to play. We had an impromptu picnic with our coffee and muffin before heading in. I told Michael we were going to sit on the steps by the library outside and eat our food and he goes, "okay, like a picnic!!" and then he thought it was so fun. He also is getting very specific about which parks he wants to play out and usually labels them by the number and color of the slides present. On this day he requested the park with three green slides, which is by Scott's office. I can usually get his other references but sometimes he throws me for a loop and I have no idea what he is talking about. 

We went pumpkin picking and spruced up our front stoop complete with mums from Wal Mart. All the places with really nice mums were sold out so I must be late this year. However, Wal marts were nice and pretty cheap to boot. 

We started Jazz Band this week at school. Rehearsal starts at 7 (that's a.m.!!) but I try and get there by 6:30 to set up and meet the early arrivals. Sometimes thinking about how early it is is just plain too painful....but I've been drinking way more coffee. It makes for a long day! 

Sometimes I feel like my yard looks the best in the fall once the cool weather sets in. All my hard work in the spring and summer pays off and things look really really good. I always try hard to remember this in those hot, dry months when weeds are rampant. It is important not to give up because sometimes the best is yet to come. :o) 

Finally, saw this in a parking lot and had to take a photo (is that weird?). I love music, too! 

Have a great weekend! 

Infant Loss Day

Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I have been meaning to post more about the grief train I am on but sometimes it is just hard to get it all out of my head. 

This time of year is so hard for me because I feel like I should be doing things like this: 

And this:

Right before Trace died we went to Center Grove Orchard and had the absolute best day as a family. It was so fun. I hate it because we have never gone back...and I don't think we will for a while. Michael goes with his daycare and that is fine with me. Sometimes remembering the happy times is hard because it doesn't seem fair that they are just a memory now. 

What also just breaks my heart is to see how little Michael really was when Trace was here. They were only 20 months apart and Michael had just turned 2 when he died. He was really only a baby too. It is also because I feel like the more time that passes the shorter the time seems that we had Trace. It used to seem like he was here forever- we couldn't even remember a time when we didn't have him and now I feel like those four (almost five) months are like a blink of an eye. One short little tick on the timeline of my life even though it is written on my heart forever. 

This is also a hard time of year because things are so extra busy with my new job. I don't really have any free time to myself where I can just decompress or process through things on my own (or take a nap) and that makes it hard. It is also hard because when I am feeling overwhelmed it seems like everything is "too much" and I get cranky and shut down. I also hate how sometimes the grief sneaks up on you....last week it was the day before the 10th and I was feeling great. Then all of a sudden it felt like I had 80 things going on at once- a group lesson in my office, trying to eat my lunch, a coworker just stopping by to visit, and then an upset parent called. I lost it on the phone- yup, started crying when dealing with a parent. It was not even related to anything except I felt so overwhelmed and knew that the anniversary of Trace's death was looming around the corner. 

 Losing someone is so hard. It is hard to navigate a new world even though I have been trying to do it for two years. 

I also wanted to thank everyone for the thoughts, prayers, comments, emails and texts last week. It meant so much to me. It really, really touched me to know so many people were thinking of my sweet baby. :o) I wanted to share a few things people passed on to me...

From my friend John:

Sometimes

© Colleen Ranney

Sometimes I catch a glimpse,

In softened waves of blue

My child, my heart …when I see a smile

I can’t help but think of you

Sometimes these waves fill oceans.

And feelings string on every shore

A collection of each memory

And every way I wish for more

Sometimes I watch for answers

Because each day I call to you

I ask for faith and courage

And strength …to help me through

Sometimes I ask for bravery

Like dolphins in the deep

Because time moves oh so slowly

And some times the road is steep

Sometimes I want to scream

This was not what I had planned

Why you ever suffered

A mom can’t understand

Sometimes I hear your laughter

And remember you at play

But My Child I always miss you

Not sometimes, but everyday

From my mom's facebook:

Family Photos

Our good friends Adam and Kelly asked me to take some photos of their family and of course I said yes! I was excited to have some willing models and I enjoyed the time spent with their lovely family. 

Isn't their little girl just the cutest? I feel like these are special days when your kids are so young. They are fleeting, that is for sure. 

MIchael's Pump it Up Party

Michael celebrated his 4th birthday with friends at Pump it Up. We had originally wanted to get a bounce house and have a party at our house but then we spied a Monday night special at Pump it Up and went for it. It was so great- they did everything for us and Michael had an awesome time. I love his big smile in all the photos! 

I barely took any photos at the party but we did have an option to buy the photos the staff took...which were terrible. However, that was the only negative thing about the whole experience. Everything was so smooth from planning the party, to set up, to clean up and they even helped me put the stuff back in my car again. I loved how we had a private play area just for ourselves and the kids (and adults) had a great time. 

Maybe we can have his party at Pump it Up every year! 

Truth be told, this type of party was perfect for me this year. I had a busy weekend with my big 8th grade marching band performance (and the sleepless nights that accompanied it!) and also my parents were in town to help celebrate. I also have a hard time with Michael's birthday because we celebrate it right before the anniversary of Trace's death. I just didn't think I could pull off a big party at my house this year especially when the nice weather weekends are very limited. I am hoping next year we can remember to plan his party for the end of September when it is still warm and things aren't so hard yet. 

When my parents were in town we celebrated by going out for pizza at Chuckie Cheese. We all had a fun time playing games and winning tickets for Michael to get some prizes. I especially loved the giant fruit ninja on a big screen! Some kid watched me play and said, "whoa, you are awesome!" lol. It was busy, loud, crazy and full of kids ......and I didn't even care!! I guess working in a middle school all day is really wearing me down. :o) 

Overall, Michael had some pretty good birthday celebrations. He is pretty happy he is four now and is excited to see what the next year holds.