It's here:

The product of many hours and tears arrived in the mail yesterday:

It was Trace's memory album!

I ordered a 12x12 book from Mixbook.com using a Groupon that I had purchased before we lost Trace. When I bought the Groupon I thought I would use it to make some gifts or something else because I am trying to think of a way to better organize the boys' photos rather than yearly books (more like a scrapbook type book, with full printed photo pages that you can keep adding to or rearrange).

Little did I know at the time that I would be using the credit to make my baby's only album. It is beautiful and I love every photo but it just makes me so sad to think that this is all we got: one stupid photo book instead of a lifetime of memories.

I hate myself for even saying things like that. I know there are so many mommies who never got to see their baby's faces let alone have four months with them. But...it still sucks.

I'm glad I got the photo book done. I love having something tangible that I can hold in my hands, feel with my fingers and carry from room to room. Working on it was a healing experience- just to know that he was here, he was ours and we loved him.

I also bought supplies for a more traditional scrapbook for Trace where I can keep some items that are not photos. It will be nice. I want to get parts of my blog published somewhere but I am having a hard time thinking about how I want to do it. I thought I could print entries from Trace's birth until his death but then I thought....Trace's story is so much more than just the four months he was with us. It started before he was born and I don't think it is over yet. I still have more to tell...he still has more to share with us.

For you created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
When I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
Were written in your book
Before one of them came to be.

- Psalm 139: 13-16

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Thank you all again for all your wonderful comments. You have no idea how much they mean to me. It has been hard for me to reply because it is hard for me to put into words how I'm feeling some days.

Some days have been okay, but I have not been feeling the best this week. I've been trying to get back into some of my former activities but it has been adding stress that just seems to be multiplying to unhealthy levels. It is hard to try and figure out what my new normal is and find the balance between being a hermit locked up in my house and being out and about all the time. Please pray for peace and healing. :o)

with much love...Rose