Remembering Trace: Five Years

Yesterday was the anniversary of Trace's death (Oct. 10th). We took time to remember him yesterday by visiting the cemetery and today I am taking some time off of school to just be and spend some time to live in the space of remembering and being sad. 

As with his fifth birthday being this year also, there is something about the five year marker that just seems to finite. Five years a long time. After his death, it seemed like I couldn't even get through a day let alone trying to imagine getting through a year. Five days? Five years? It seemed impossible. Yet here we are, as time has a funny way of marching along whether you are along for the ride or not. While we were at the cemetery, it was fun to see the girls running around with Michael while I sat by Trace's headstone. To have three living children is an incredible blessing and we have been blessed in ways we could have never known possible in those dark days after we lost Trace. It was a powerful reminder of God's grace how he is watching over us in our struggles. He knows the plan for us, even if we can't see it for ourselves. 

When Trace's anniversary rolls around, it is not just a reminder of his death and losing him, it is also a reminder of those hard, dark days that happened afterwards. It is so hard for me to go back to that place-planning the funeral, the hospital, the ambulances, seeing everyone afterwards. It almost seems like a fuzzy dream that I wonder, "did this really happen?".  I was definitely lost and had to do a fair share of faking it before I made it, but I do feel like I have come out of it stronger and more wise. There is so much to be thankful for during that dark time. I am thankful for Michael who still let me feel like a mother and who I had to be strong for so I could care for him. I am thankful for my husband who never made me feel crazy. I am thankful for my students and job for giving me a purpose and keeping me busy. I am thankful for my girls who remind me that life is never truly over and there is always adventure around the corner. 

There was a powerful message at church on Sunday about the book of Job. The pastor was talking about how yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, there is light when we return to our heavenly father and his kingdom comes. But, there is also light IN the tunnel. Even in the darkest days and times, God's grace and glory can shine through. It spoke so much to me because even though you might not see it, I am still suffering. I still get wrecked with tears if I dwell on the thought of Trace too much. The pain is still close to the surface and if I don't work hard to keep in in check it can bubble right up. But yet, there is still so much light in my life. Sometimes it is a choice to keep my eyes focused on it instead of the darkness, but it is there. Michael, Anna & Brynn, my family...all bright beacons of light that I am thankful for. 

We still miss Trace very much every day and wish he was still here on earth with us. We know he watches over us and we keep him in our prayers every night. If you are suffering, please try to find the light even in the darkness. It is there, I promise. 

Thanks for stopping by.