Remembering Grandma

On Saturday, my grandma passed away. We traveled back to my hometown Monday for the funeral on Tuesday and it has been a tough week for me.

It's been tough for so many reasons....returning back to my hometown and home church for the first time in months (and since we lost Trace), seeing family members and friends, and just being emotionally drained about not only the loss of grandma but all the memories it brings back about Trace's death as well. I honestly feel like I had turned a corner in my grief and the sight of spring was helping my spirit but now it just feels like I've taken so many steps back. I've read so many things about grieving and the process it is and I guess you never really believe those things until it happens to you. Let me tell you....it happens. I was feeling better, even going for a few days in a row without crying and now I feel like I did right after Trace died with tears hourly. I've even started that god-forsaken crying when driving in the car thing again which is so terrible and unsafe.

I just hate that Trace is gone. I hate that in my grandma's obituary it says that she was preceded in death by him. I hate that when everyone tells me they are sorry about my grandma dying, they tell me they are sorry about my son also. I just hate, hate, hate it. I hate that this is my life and I have no choice but to accept it.

Can you tell it's been a long week? Wow. It is so hard just to keep it together for a little bit and so much harder even during emotional times. I wanted to do something for my grandma's funeral because I know how important they are and I wanted to do something for me and for her. I decided to do a flute solo during the service and I am so happy I did. I wish I could have said something eloquent or read a nice poem but when words fail me...that is where music comes in. I hope grandma loved it.

I am so happy that grandma was able to meet both Michael and Trace. She had said multiple times to me that she just wished grandpa had been here to meet all the great grandchildren too. I know that they are together now and are happy.



Michael and grandma's first meeting: January 2010. It was our first road trip with Michael...we thought he was really big (only 3 months old).

Michael and Grandma: July, 2010 (during RAGBRAI)

I took the boys to see grandma when I was home this summer. Trace was about 3 months old and he talked, smiled and cooed at grandma for a few minutes and then he fell fast asleep. He knew he was safe in her arms. I think they had a special connection....grandma's roommate at the nursing home told my mom that she had talked about Trace all the time, even though they had only met just once. I wish it had been more times.

I have so many more stories to share....hopefully I will get them down someday. It is so emotionally draining to process grief, heal and go on with life. There is one thing I know for sure- I know that with all my heart Trace is safe in heaven in God's arms and now I know that grandma is there, too.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.