Friday

This week I've been having some Trace kinds of days, ones where little reminders of him have popped up unexpectedly.


Tuesday was the day which started it all. I've been taking a class with my small group at church and every week we have daily homework we are supposed to do. Daily homework=doing a little bit every day BUT I usually cram mine all in during naptime on the day of the class. It ends up being a lot to process and usually bears a heavy weight on my heart as I try and sort through my own thoughts in my head and what I've read in the Bible and homework materials.

This week the material was on the battles you are fighting in your life and well you all know I am fighting a big one. I'm not sure I will ever know why sweet Trace left us so early but I don't want to believe it was God's "plan". I really even hate talking about what God's plan is for our lives because at this point in my life, I don't even want to know what is in store for the future. Are more bad things just going to keep happening to me and my loved ones? Every day I hear about bad things happening like babies dying and loved ones getting sick. I realize that sad things happen every day and no one knows why. It is a question as old as time itself. I hope I am not coming off as cynical or angry because I do believe God is still here to love me and to give me faith in him but I am not prepared at all to think about the future and his future plans for my life. If everyone in my family wakes up in the morning, I consider it a good day. I don't breathe a sigh of relief until I wake Michael up for the day and realize he is still here with me.

Anyway, the point of all this is lately I have been feeling a little negative. But then in the midst of my Debbie-downer-ness, some things started to happen that made me feel like maybe someone was watching out for me after all and things are going to be okay.

On Wednesday there were two moments at school where I got a little glimpse of Trace. The first was a little conversation I had with a student at her lesson when I was telling a story about Michael. She asked me how many kids I had and I said I had just one (sometimes I say that just because I don't know how to answer if I don't want to get into it) and she said, "No, you have two sons. Remember you had the baby who died and that is why you were gone for so long?"......Wow, huh?
The way she said it was so sweet and innocent it really touched my heart. I told her I was so happy she remembered "my baby" and gave her an A+ for her lesson (kidding on the last part!). Later that day we were talking at a meeting about nicknames and one of the teachers said people used to call her "Tray" and sometimes we used to call Trace "tray-tray" (or at least I did). It is really silly but also it just brought a smile to my face.

After school I stopped and got the mail. In the pile of junk mail and bed bath and beyond coupons was a flier from Sears that said it was time for my baby's 9 month portraits. What? Craziness. Later in the evening I got a message from a friend saying every time she hears a Trace Adkins song on the radio she thinks of Trace. And finally, I had been seeing these crazy rainbows at least every day in my house. Always in a different spot. I'm sure they have always been around and I've just never noticed them.



They make me happy.

The point of all this is that I'm not trying to make you sad or make you feel sorry for me or say how strong I'm being (even though I'm not, really). I just wanted a spot to write it all down and see it come together and maybe put all the pieces together to create a picture that Trace's spirit is still here in little ways. Most importantly, I just want to remember that even though I am having some bad days that I also have good days where I realize even though Trace is not physically with me I can still love him and think of him often.

Today, Trace has been in heaven four months.

-----------------------------------------



Real quick before I let you go, I signed up to serve a meal at the Ronald McDonald house for something to do and a way to honor Trace's memory. Last night we prepared the meal and served it up at the house and I just thought I would post my menu in case anyone was curious (we also had jello fruit salad and valentine's gift bags for the kids). The kitchen was super fun to work in and everything I made turned out well HOWEVER...no one came to eat at dinnertime!! The volunteer coordinator said it might happen since parents often don't want to leave their children's bedsides until late at night so obviously it is understandable. Now I know what it is like so I think in the future I will definitely make something that can wrap up individually so families can just grab it and go. It was a super easy way to volunteer a few hours of my time and I would encourage you consider it sometime!

If you've made it this far...have a great Friday.