Wednesday, April 18, 2012


Lately I feel like I have been lacking.....some inspiration. I can't quite put my finger on what is causing it but I am sensing it is the recent string of cold, rainy days and just a general feeling of being a little too busy around here.

Its been busy with extra meetings and work for both Scott and I and also I am in the midst of concert preparations at school (next week!!) and also wrapping up my community group season with two concerts and add to that a trip out of town with my small group that was very motivating just seems like too much. It seems like too much running around and not enough time just enjoying being at home.

Also, I feel like I have been working hard to get healthier and so I feel tired from exercising and it just makes me cranky and extra tired. I thought exercising was supposed to make you feel better? I am almost throwing in the towel completely on trying to run because it just gives me shin splints so bad and it isn't getting any better. I am trying to at least run a few intervals a few times a week on the treadmill but I still feel like a big fat failure in that department. I've been trying to mix up my routine with weekly Zumba classes and also a yoga class so I think that might help get me out of my rut. I just feel like in my head I have this thing that tells me if you want to be in good shape you have to be a runner and I *know* that is not true but yet I still cling to it.

Lastly, Trace has also just been on my heart and mind a lot lately especially since his first birthday is creeping up on us day by day. My mind keeps wandering back to who I was this time a year ago and I just can't believe how much my life has changed in just one short year. Last April I was filled with a sense of anticipation and happiness for my growing family and now I just feel....empty and a little bit lost. I'm not sure where I am supposed to be going next or doing next. After a loss you feel like you are obviously in survival mode for a long time, but I didn't realize how long it would last. I feel like maybe now I have moved past the actual physical part of surviving- sleeping, eating, taking care of myself and my family and now I've moved on to some sort of mental survival mode where I can't really plan things for the future or get excited about events coming up...I can only just get through this day and even sometimes I feel like that is just going through the motions or phoning it in. So while on the outside things might seem fine and I am waking up in the morning and being productive, I still am very much still dealing with grief and just plain missing Trace. I've accepted the fact he is gone and this our life now but I'm not sure what is next....

So that is all that is new with me. I feel like I just haven't had much to say lately but hopefully things will start to turn around soon. Thanks for sticking with me. :o)

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