Trace's Birthday

Today is Trace's birthday in heaven. He would have been five years old today. This is definitely a day each year that is one of the best days and also one of the worst days for me. It is the best day because it was the day Trace was part of our family. It was the day when all the months of anticipation came to a head, when we got to meet our beautiful baby boy who would be the best little brother. But it is also the worst because even trying to remember the happy times is so, so painful. I try not to dwell on it a lot but it really is unfair. It is so, so unfair. I try not to feel sorry for myself but I just hate that it happened. I hope someday it will all become clear and we can't wait to be reunited in heaven. 

My feelings about Trace and his death are constantly evolving, especially now as the girls are growing and are the age Michael was when Trace was born. I try not to think of the what ifs but it is hard sometimes. Could you even imagine having two girls and two boys? We would be the perfect family. As silly as it sounds, I loved having my two boys...I always wanted to dress them alike and I loved having them in my double stroller, pushing them around so strangers could stop and comment on how cute they were. I often think of that now when I am out and about with my cute girls and remind myself that I have been here before- just with two sweet boys. 

The five years since Trace has been born has seemed like a day and also one hundred days. Those dark days and weeks after he died seem like decades. I hate what grief does to the sense of time and the way it ages you. I feel older, and I feel like I look older. I think some of it is just losing that sense that nothing bad will ever happen to innocence and naivety lost. 

I was going to spend a few minutes this morning looking through my photos to find a good photo of Trace to use and I ended up looking through all the photos. It was a cathartic reminder that yes, he was here, he was part of our family, he was happy and we loved him. 

We were so busy in his first few months of life. I wonder now what the heck I was thinking but we took that baby all over the place. The zoo, tailgating, farmers market, park, swimming pool, playground, walks, hikes, state fair, county fair, apple orchard...I mean, what the heck? Was I a crazy person? I still am not sure but by golly, Trace was here and jumped right in as a member of our family. He was such a good baby.  

I know I am not supposed to play favorites, but I do think Trace was so cute and would have been the sweetest little boy. He always look bald but really his hair was very light blonde- it would have been lighter than Michaels, I am sure. 

What a sweet little Cyclone fan- this photo now looks like an antique because of the new endzone. Time marches on! 

It is strange to see old photos of myself...I feel like that was old me and now I am this me. 

If I knew then when I knew now, I would not have done anything differently. We are so thankful Trace is part of our family. I can't wait until the girls are old enough to understand more about their special big brother. Happy birthday in heaven, Trace! We love you!