Sunday, October 25, 2015

Remembering Trace: Four Years

I have really been putting off trying to put together a post to remember Trace this month. I love that this blog is my online journal and I love sharing but sometimes it seems the words and thoughts just don't come easily. October has come and (almost) gone very quickly and I have been wrapped up in keeping all my plates spinning in the air that I feel like I have hardly had some time and space to remember my little boy and his time on this earth with us. As weird as it sounds, I do miss those long quiet days where all I had to do was focus on healing...I used to love the days where Michael went to daycare and I could grab a cup of coffee, listen to something on the radio, and drive around aimlessly looking at the fall leaves and letting my thoughts wander. I am thankful I had that time now where no one had any expectations placed on me...just to take time to heal. However, grieving is an ongoing process and there is never a moment in time where I feel like I will be able to cross "grieving my infant son" off my list like there, it's done! because grief is a tricky thing and it comes in waves and pops up at different times. I know it is important to give myself time to just think and heal and remember but it is hard these days. 

If you would have asked me four years ago where I thought I would be today and I could have not have given you any idea because back then it was about surviving minute by minute, being able to pull myself together enough to keep taking care of Michael. But sometimes I feel like when you have to force yourself to get picked up out of bed to serve someone else, that is where your strength is found. Those hard days were actually where I was having to be the strongest and work the hardest. The good days are easy! The bad days take so much energy. I recently listened to a book review about a woman recovering from a stroke and she kept talking about throughout the healing process how she knew she HAD to get back to her normal routine (for her that was cooking meals for her family). She didn't know why but she knew she needed to get back doing the things she used to do day in and day out. She couldn't explain it but felt that there was a power in the healing comfort of your daily routine. This really stuck out to me because I felt like there is a lot of truth in it. Even though the time away from school to heal was much needed, I felt like I really started heal when I got back to working and seeing my students every day. Losing Trace was hard but what was harder was trying to get back into life. I hated feeling like everyone felt sorry for me or they were waiting for me to lose it in front of them...I hated the way people used to look at me. But gradually it got better and I felt less bad about things and life went on. Sometimes after a loss is when people quit their jobs or move or do some other drastic life thing but for me those things (like my house and my job) brought me comfort and that is where I feel like the memory of Trace lives. 

Also if you would have told me I would have two sweet little girls four years after Trace died, I would have told you that was crazy talk. They are such a blessing and I know that the spirit of their brother lives on in them. Trace is in my thoughts every day. The sting of his memory has gotten less with time, just like when a wound heals...maybe it is not a stabbing pain but just a reminder of the pain that was. I try to not think about what he would be like if he was here now but sometimes it hits me and that is when it hurst the most. I don't like playing the "what if" game but sometimes it sneaks itself in my mind. It is fun to me to see friends who have kids that are the same age as Michael and Trace and see how well they get together...I know my boys would have been the same way. 

We remembered Trace on his angelversary by visiting the cemetery and bringing a pumpkin and mum to his headstone. Brynn and Michael had fun playing around the grounds and it was cute to see Brynn toddling around every where (Anna was sleeping in the car!). The only tree that had changed color at the cemetery was the one right above Trace's headstone and it was so beautiful. I do miss the days after he was gone and I could have all the time in the world to visit the cemetery, sit out there and remember him. 

So that is where we are at...four years and still a lifetime of grieving to go. 


  1. what a heart-full post ... thank you for sharing how you are doing and noticing how you feel throughout the waves. i'm glad you had that solace and space. Trace's tree is so beautiful.

  2. The lifetime of grieving to go is so.right.

    I too try to avoid the, "what might have beens" if I am able to, but some days the grief washes over me and I have no option but to drown in it awhile. Nearly five years out for us, and it's still hard to imagine this is our life, and we are both blessed and cursed to live it without him for the rest of our Earthly days.

    Thinking of you, and of Trace and of the beautiful siblings he left behind. I love that his tree changed- beautiful.

  3. I think about Trace, especially when I think about the interactions that Lu and Michael have had together. Trace would have been right there, in the thick of things. Love your rainbow babies and seeing your heart through it all.


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