We celebrated Trace's 3rd birthday last weekend.
Gosh, he would have been 3 years old. A little boy. Someone for Michael to be double trouble with.
It still hurts to think about the what-ifs and imagine what it would be like if he was here with our family. We are in the process of moving Michael to a new room and it makes me sad because I always thought it would be a room Michael and Trace would share- two boys! Bunk beds! Star wars! Legos! It would be so fun. I always think of how Trace looked like he had no hair but really it was just very light and I know he would have just been the most beautiful little blonde hair three year old boy.
I love looking back at my photos from the few months we had him and thinking about all the fun things we did. He was along for the ride from day 1, tagging along with Michael and I on our adventures. I knew he would have to do a lot of keeping up with his busy big brother! Now it seems so silly to me...why did I feel like I had to do so much with a little baby at home? Maybe it was because Michael was a very active 18 month old when he was born? Maybe it was for my own sanity and getting out of the house? Maybe it was just because I love summer and Trace was born just at the right time?
At any rate, it strikes me because we never for a moment thought that we would lose him. We thought that this was going to be our life from now on and it was so fun. I loved being a proud mom of two sweet and handsome boys. It is hard to backtrack through everything that happens leading up to a crisis but I have no regrets. I just miss him so much.
We are beyond thrilled to be expecting again, especially a double bonus surprise of twin girls but deep down in my heart I just think how perfect things would be if my family was two boys and two girls, all here on earth living in my house with me. Wouldn't that be so lovely?
But I also know, deep down in my heart that we will be reunited one day again in heaven and I cling to that.
We don't know why bad things happen but we do know that God is here to guide us through and cling to in hard times. I know his hand has been on my family and will continue to guide us through the rest of our lives.
Happy Birthday, sweet Trace! We love you and miss you!
This is such a beautiful post Rose. Trace was a beautiful baby, I am always struck by that every time you share pictures of him. I am glad that your faith in God is still strong and that you know you will be reunited with your sweet Trace again some day-- I believe that to. I know you will miss him every single day until that time comes, I am glad that you got to have great adventures and make great memories with him while he was here on this earth, and I am so glad you have so many beautiful pictures. Hugs and prayers my friend. -lh
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet post... praying for you always.
ReplyDeleteI hear this so loud and clear.
ReplyDeleteI keep thinking how perfect it would be (for me) if I had a 3 and a half year old boy, a two year old girl, and this sweet newborn girl. That's basically been my dream all my life. And here we are now… With two living daughters but no living son. </3.
Heaven is what keeps me going… Knowing I will see him again, there.
Thinking of you guys on Trace's third birthday. Sending you love and hope for those sweet little ladies still growing. ;)