This Boy

This boy...he cracks me up all the time. He is learning so much every day and making lots of connections. I've been trying to record some of the funny things he's been doing lately.

• "Damos" for McDonalds. We were running out to my Christmas concert the other night and I told him Scott would take him to McDonalds after they dropped me off. He said, "Daddy, damos, daddy, damos" the whole way there! He can now also say what he wants to eat at McDonalds which is "Chicken nugget and apple".
  

• Michael loves to draw his dad's boat when he is coloring. The last time he was coloring I asked him if that was what he was drawing. He said, "no, Michael's boat".
  

• Michael's favorite sport is hockey. We went to a hockey game and it was at night, and now everytime we leave our house at night he thinks we are going to a hockey game. He loves to run around in circles and say he is playing hockey. If he sees a game on TV he'll get excited and scream, "HOCKEY!!".

...that's all I got for now. I'll have to remember to keep jotting them down!

iphone photo dump

So Thankful

We got the biggest surprise last weekend when a few of our friends came over and gave us this beautiful mirror:



I cried when I opened it and saw the top of it. It's our house. The whole mirror is kind of like our life.

I love that one little square is Scott and I tailgating. :o)

My most favorite square is this little bird with Trace's initials on the heart.
So, so sweet.

We have the perfect place to hang it and I know it will hang in our house forever. Forever, forever...I mean it. Friends, you are too generous and kind and you will also be getting a nice note in the mail one of these days. It is so perfect that I feel like I don't even have words for it. I love to stand in front of it and look at each little part of it and see how they all come together to form the frame and it is just us.

I know some of you are reading so....thank you!!

Monday Update

Happy Monday, all. Right now Michael is taking what will hopefully be an extra long nap. The poor boy is just worn out from the weekend and needs to do some catching up. We were busy this weekend. We saw lots of great friends, saw some holiday lights, and even did a little decorating here at our house.

The weather this month has been so wild and crazy. I'm enjoying the mild temperatures and good roads for traveling.

One morning last week the sun was streaming in our window and it was so beautiful. Michael was playing with this little dragonfly plant ornament thing we have and it was kind of like Trace's spirit was with us. I like to think of him as a bird or a butterfly...flying above us and free.

I promised myself I would only talk about good things in this post and so far I am having a hard time thinking of the little good things that have been happening around here although I promise they are happening.

Two months have passed since we lost Trace. I think it is a little hard to believe. Sometimes it seems like the time we had him was like in some sort of dream world and now we are living new lives. I have been having some better days but also some bad days where I cry because my Christmas tree looks so ugly and everything my husband says is the wrong thing (it's not, he's great but I am very emotional).

I've been thinking a lot about little babies lately. Three of our friends have had babies in the last few weeks and I think of them often. Last night we visited a friend with a brand new baby and he was just the sweetest thing. I could have just taken him home with me and kept him forever! ....but please don't worry, I won't really steal your babies or go all "hand that rocks the cradle" on you. It makes me happy to know that even though Trace is gone, there are still sweet little babies being born in the world and life goes on in their new little lives.



And maybe it is Christmas and the coming of the baby Jesus that is making me think so much about new babies. I find myself lingering over the pictures in our Christmas books of the little baby swaddled in the manger and his mother looking at him so lovingly. I feel like that used to be me.

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace, Trace.

Holiday Bokeh Party!

Hurray for the 2nd annual holiday bokeh party!

I love how these turned out.

I like holiday bokeh. It's magical.

My silly boy.

...and one quick one of the two of us. Happy bokeh-ing! :o)

p.s., here is the link to last year's bokeh post.

iphone photo dump

I can hardly believe it is December. 5 days already (almost) done. 20 days until Christmas.

....what?

I am not ready. In all aspects...I am not ready. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. I pulled some decorations out of the storage room and looked through them....then left them right by the storage room door. Our tree is still up in the garage rafters. Tonight we have a Christmas concert at church. Am I in the mood to play festive Christmas music? Hardly.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly how I am feeling. Its not that I don't want to celebrate Christmas. Its just that things just don't feel the same and I'm playing by a new set of rules. Having my house all decked out in the holiday spirit just doesn't mean the same thing as it used to mean to me.

Last year at Christmas we were about 20 weeks pregnant with Trace. It felt like we were barely pregnant; we had just started sharing the news about this time in December. I thought that if I could just make it through the first six months of having two small children that I would be okay. That the hard part would over. I thought by Christmas, Michael would be 2 and older and Trace would be sitting up by himself and sleeping well at night.

Well...my visions of two sweet boys in matching pajamas opening presents on Christmas morning remains just that: a vision, a distant memory. And it stinks. It just feels wrong to be celebrating something so big without him. I am struggling with the fine line between grieving his death and being present for the people who are still here on earth with me.

I feel like this journey of our first Christmas in our new life is just beginning so stay tuned. The good news is that all my shopping is done and should start receiving Amazon.com boxes full of gifts on my doorstep any day now.

Have a peaceful week.

Trace's Tree

He who plants a tree
Plants hope.

--Lucy Larcom

Trace's tree is here!

We picked it out last weekend at our favorite tree farm and our tree guy brought it over the day after Thanksgiving. It is Sienna Glen maple and should look like this in the fall:



The leaves will be an orange red and so far it is the biggest tree in our yard so I think it will be a nice addition to our landscape. I'm happy he was able to bring us a maple tree because they were so beautiful in October when we lost Trace. I mentioned how beautiful they were this year when we were picking it out and our tree guy said it was an exceptional year for maple trees...everything was a perfect combination to make them look so pretty.

We are excited to see it in the spring and hopefully it will be leafed out by Trace's birthday in May. I have lots of plans for more things to plant in the spring as we have many generous gifts to our favorite nursery. I am thinking about doing a rose garden or a butterfly garden but I'm just not sure yet.

Our neighbor was over the day and she said she loved the new tree and was glad we planted it but to also think about doing other things in remembrance of Trace just in case we would ever leave this house. We are planning on living here forever but the Lord knows we can't predict his plan for us so for now I'm thinking of other places where we could possibly plant a tree to remember Trace. Does anyone have any good ideas? I'm thinking our local park we love to visit or maybe one on the public access by our pond. It is so hard to know.

It seems like such a little thing to do but also like a big thing at the same time. It is a another marker in our life, a reminder that Trace was here. I hope we can watch it grow big and strong through the years and changing seasons and think of our little boy.

He who plants a tree
Plants a joy
Plants a comfort that will never cloy;
Every day a fresh reality,
Beautiful and strong.

--Lucy Larcom, "Plant a Tree"