Dad

I can't hardly believe it has been eight months since my dad has died and I haven't even said a word about it here on my blog. 

Life has been busy of course, but much of that has been pure survival and just trying to get through each day. I feel like my grief journey has been a trial to see the trees from the woods and now I am beginning to emerge from the darkness a bit more to see the whole forest. 

I do enjoy looking at my blog as a little time capsule of my life and so I want to make sure this space reflects all of which is my life. 

It started on Thursday, June 14th. My mom called to tell me she had taken dad to the ER for intense shoulder pain and a swollen stomach. After a scan, the doctors thought it was colon cancer that had spread throughout his abdomen. He was admitted to the hospital and I was worried. I felt like I should be there but at this point, mom felt like these were just the first steps in helping dad feel better. I called again on the weekend, asking if the kids and I should come on father's day to visit dad in the hospital. Mom thought dad needed his rest and she told me she would probably need my help around the 4th of July since she had a block of time she was scheduled to work. We stayed in touch by texting photos to dad, which mom said he liked. He also texted us a selfie of himself, which ended up being the last photo of him. 

So on Father's Day Sunday, June 17th, Scott, the kids and I took the boat out bright and early as a family. It was a cool morning but we were planning on staying out all day to enjoy our family time.  Then I got a call from my sister who was crying and told me that mom said we should come to the hospital right away. Denise said dad wasn't doing well and mom was worried. We hightailed it home, thankfully with the help of a nice older man at the boat dock who helped us get the boat trailered. I am amazed that we had the kids and car packed and were on the road in less than an hour. 

We drove straight to the hospital and my dad was recovering from a drainage procedure on his stomach to reduce the amount of fluid. He was in the ICU and was doing really well. Mom was able to take Michael back by himself to visit and the girls too. Dad was doing really good. I had a chance to visit with him for quite a while. I didn't know this would be the last time I would be talking to him when he was so alert. He told me he was so proud of me and knew I would be well taken care of, and he was happy I married such a nice man with a good family. 

Dad seemed to be doing just fine on Sunday night that we all had a sense of optimism. Mom, Denise, and my family went out to dinner at Perkins after leaving the hospital. The next morning, we decided  Scott would take the kids home for the week so I could stay back in Moville with my mom. I was feeling very fortunate at the time to have the ability to do my grad school work from anywhere and that we had good childcare for the kids so Scott could still get to work. 

Monday morning we headed to the hospital again and I stayed with Mom most of the day, getting school work done in the downtime. We accompanied dad to another procedure to drain his abdomen again as it had already swelled uncomfortably again. The doctor was afraid to take too much fluid this time as it might be too much of a shock to dad's system. It was also at this time we talked to the doctor about dad's scans and discovered that it was not colon cancer at all but his liver. He had big tumors on his liver it was failing. The doctor thought if he could weather this storm he could possibly start treatment with the option to come home and do home hospice in a worst-case scenario. I really wanted the doctor to tell us straight what was possible. It was also at this time I began to have the feeling of doom that this might be the end. 

It was also at this time that I think dad started to realize what was happening and how things might end up. The day before he was talking about getting moved to the cancer center in Omaha, finding treatment, etc. I don't think he really realized this could be the beginning of the end until now. The rest of the day he spent talking to mom, and a few of his close friends he called to come to the hospital. He did seem to be doing okay though, alert and talkative but obviously uncomfortable and in a lot of pain. 

At some point, I talked to my brother John on the phone. He was in Florida on vacation with his family for the week and he was on the fence about returning early to see dad. I didn't know what to tell him, because none of us really knew the severity of it and we weren't about to go in a big panic. However, I told him that dad had been asking to see him and did want to talk to him. He decided to come back early by himself and booked a flight back to Des Moines for Tuesday. 

That night, mom decided to head home and I stayed with dad until he was settled for the night at about ten o'clock. It was very peaceful staying with him in the hospital room, working on school work and reading. I wish I would have stayed with him until morning, just to have those last few hours with him. I thought he was doing fine and would maybe rest better when I wasn't there. I cherish those moments now and was glad I was there. 

The next morning, Tuesday, mom got up early and headed back to the hospital. I stayed home and enjoyed the beautiful morning. I had a really peaceful feeling about the day. I had my coffee and even did a short yoga routine before showering and getting ready. Then I got a call from mom and she said to get to the hospital right away as dad was very agitated and was not doing well. When I got there, he was in fact very upset and restless. The nurses gave him a strong medicine to calm him down and it was one my mom, as a nurse, had not even heard of. It was actually the thing they gave patients when they are on a ventilator, very strong stuff. 

The rest of Tuesday was a blur. Dad was resting well and we had some visitors throughout the day like dad's sister and brother. My brother Sam, his wife, and my sister were all there as well. It started to fall into the evening and I remember the light being so lovely streaming through the hospital window. It was so peaceful I wanted to take a photo but who takes photos in hospital rooms? Now I wish I had. 

We started to get very anxious about John arriving at the hospital to see dad. It seems so weird now but we were watching out of the window and we saw John pull into the parking garage and head into the hospital. We told dad John was coming and dad acted like he was trying to get out of bed, very animated after being sedated all day. Very bizarre. John finally got to the hospital room and sat down to spend some time with dad and it was like almost at that minute, dad was gone. He was gone. One moment here was there, the next not. It is so hard to leave a hospital room knowing that is the last time you will see a person's physical body. What are you supposed to do after that? I felt sick to my stomach and could not even believe it. 

The days that followed were also a blur of preparing for the funeral and arranging family visits. I was glad I was able to have the time to spend with my family without having to worry about work. An upside to all of this is it really was comforting to spend a lot of time with my family, in particular my brothers and sister. 

The funeral was lovely and I loved the words the pastor spoke about my dad. I have a lot of triggers from Trace's death and thinking about his funeral is one of the worst. I hated the whole darn thing and I knew I would feel the same about dad's. I would say I was in less of a daze for dad's and it gave me a sense of purpose that I could be there for mom, their friends and our family. Funerals are hard things, especially when emotions are running high. It makes me wonder who did so many things for me during Trace's funeral. 

There is still so much to say about dad and his life. His story is not even over because it lives on with us and our families. While things may have returned to normal, it is not ever really the same. Much of the same way when Trace died, I look back on photos before dad died and I think...how could we just have been carrying on like nothing bad was about to happen? 

But that is the thing, you do have to carry on no matter what. There is value in just carrying on. Carrying on is what keeps families together and legacies alive. 

I am hoping mom will help fill in some details. For now, here are some of my favorite photos of dad that I shared on facebook after his death. Talk about making something a reality: it didn't really feel real until I had to announce it to my whole facebook world. Pushing "post" was hard. 

This photo is from Christmas 2018. It was such a treat to have both mom and dad here with us. We'd finally gotten our schedules together so we could celebrate on mom's year off. Dad's last Christmas. 

Last summer when we were home, I wanted dad to take us on a tour of his farm so I could take photos. I was glad I did this, although it seemed a little silly at the time. I just love these, seeing dad in his element and his normal work uniform. 

Mom and dad at the fair last summer. Dad's last fair. The caption for this post when I put it on facebook was "thanks for the fun!". How lucky we were to have such a good dad and grandpa who put his family first. 

This popped up on my timehop from this time of year two years ago. How regular this was to us and what a treat it would be now. One of my favorites. 

I am well aware of the sacrifices my dad and family had to make to help me become a successful adult. I always felt loved and safe. Dad did an awesome job of making sure I always had a car to get me where I was going. Whether it was early morning marching band practice, to Iowa State, or to my first job, he got me there. I know he was proud of me. I like this photo because I am the same age as the girls are. 

Another fair one. I just love mom and dad in this. It seems so normal. 

Of course, my wedding day. It was such a fun day for everyone. I have such special memories of my dad and I before walking down the aisle. I know he loved Scott and is proud of our family. This is such a great photo. 

Finally, my favorite. I have this one in my living room and I like that I can see if from wherever I am in the main area. It makes it feel like he is right here with us, and reminds me of his love for my family and me. 

Navigating grief is something that I familiar with. I hate how now when I am feeling sad about a memory, it is now doubly so. I feel like I am finally feeling the physical symptoms of grief subside and it is a welcome relief. For a long time, it was constant anxiety, body aches, and actual numbness in my limbs. Thankfully with the start of the new year (and graduating from grad school), I have had a healthier grasp on life and I am especially feeling the positive effects of daily exercise. 

We have added dad to our nightly prayers list, along with baby Trace, and we try to talk about dad often. I often have little moments where I think of him and I know he is smiling down on me from heaven. I can't wait to see him again someday.